Good Grief?

When confronted with grief, what do you do? I do what I think a lot of men do, I kill it or I run from it. Grief is not safe, it's not masculine; I've got to get away from it as quickly as possible. Diffuse it with a joke, or maybe with optimism. Or maybe with a sense of futility - I can't change it, so why should I feel it? But what am I so afraid of? And if you are with me on this, what are you so afraid of? What does a tear, especially in front of someone, cost you?

What if we followed in the footsteps of Christ? He was a man, a brilliantly strong man, but he was also called a "man of sorrows and full of grief." I don't think the two are mutually exclusive.

Maybe to truly be a man is to embrace your sorrow instead of hiding from it. Maybe strength is being able to feel, to weep and shed tears for yourself without shame. Maybe a good place to start is to grieve the fact that there is shame for a lot of men (myself included) when it comes to grief and, indeed, tears. Why should I be ashamed of my tears? Why should I be afraid to feel?

Cry, wail, tear your clothes, because our world has a really fucked up view of masculinity, and we have inherited it.

But what will we do with it now that it's ours?

An Attempt at Celtic Prayer

I move today
Towards the holy Father
Towards the loving Christ
With the gentle Spirit

Intellectually humbled,
As I seek to know
The One who is unknowable
As I seek to love
Three who are love
As I seek community
With the Holy Community

You seek me out Yourself
And make Yourself known to me
And make me to love You
And make for me a Holy Community

I cannot even take a step,
Without acknowledging
The goodness of the Creator
The salvation of the Son
The presence of the Holy Spirit
For your presence is all too real and close

I am surrounded by shrouded mountains
That testify to your hidden Glory
That, though often unseen, remain nearby
That, even under clouds, they Are

So Are You
Heavenly Father
Glorious Son
Beautiful Spirit

It is in Your hope that I move.

A deeper pursuit

So when we want to excel still more, when we desire to seek hard after God, what is our role? Where do our efforts come into the scheme of things? How do we surrender our desire to know God more intimately and let Him draw us in?

Where does discipline and focus, and self denial, sacrifice, etc... come into play?

How do we let go of our relationship with God and trust that He really means it when He says no one can snatch us out of His hand? How do we seek a loving God who is constantly loving us?
How does abiding in the grace freely given to us interact with the call to obedience and James' call to do? Ours is not simply a faith of good intentions, but one where faith leads to a freedom to choose to love God, leads us to action, leads us to pursue those good works prepared in advance for us to do (Eph 2:10), right?

Can we even assume we know the path to pursue after God, The God, the I AM? Are we idolizing ourselves when we place ourselves in a position of power in this relationship? Is our power simply how far we will let God come after us? How intimately will we allow God to reveal Himself to us?

Must we simply live in complete surrender and yet live every day surrendering even our efforts to know, love, and worship God? What the heck does it mean to live in complete surrender? What does laying everything at the foot of the cross look like?

How many sentences can I write without making a declarative statement?

Those are just some of my questions rambling around as I contemplate my relationship with God and how my desire for Him, my choices, my actions, my heart, my sin, His grace, His mercy, and His love each play a role. What takes the lead, who drives this relationship? How do I fall deeply in love with God and chase after Him, while letting Him do work in my heart and in my life?

I'm glad God loves me, and has a wonderful plan for my life. What's my role in accomplishing it? How do I be the man that God is shaping me into?

Can I ask anymore questions that come close to getting to the point but don't quite capture the heart level idea?

I'm really glad the Holy Spirit groans on our behalf with groans too deep for words. Sometimes I like to groan before God. Today is not a groan day though. Today is a good day.

long time no post

So it was relatively mafan (hassle) for me to convert over to this whole google driven thing, but now here I am, able to post once again on the board.

So many exciting things have happened in my life since I last posted. In brief, I'm staying here for a second year, being humbled greatly, learning how to live in grace, recognizing I can be very performance driven, realizing that comes from insecurity and a desire to prove myself, realizing I don't need to beat myself up for any of that because I live in Grace and God loves me unconditionally.

Learning to live in grace has meant learning to trust God. That's hard, and has hard things associated with it. For Abraham it meant setting Issac his sole son and heir on an alter tied up with a knife raised to strike. Can you imagine even at that point trusting that God would still fulfill His promises. The fear, the doubt, the questioning, but still acting and stepping out in faith. That's pretty amazing. I want to trust God like that. God I don't know how you're going to do this, but I trust that your way is the best way to do it. Whatever it is.

Anything that's been a lot of the big lessons I've been learning. I need to go, more on the exciting things happening in my life later...