When confronted with grief, what do you do? I do what I think a lot of men do, I kill it or I run from it. Grief is not safe, it's not masculine; I've got to get away from it as quickly as possible. Diffuse it with a joke, or maybe with optimism. Or maybe with a sense of futility - I can't change it, so why should I feel it? But what am I so afraid of? And if you are with me on this, what are you so afraid of? What does a tear, especially in front of someone, cost you?
What if we followed in the footsteps of Christ? He was a man, a brilliantly strong man, but he was also called a "man of sorrows and full of grief." I don't think the two are mutually exclusive.
Maybe to truly be a man is to embrace your sorrow instead of hiding from it. Maybe strength is being able to feel, to weep and shed tears for yourself without shame. Maybe a good place to start is to grieve the fact that there is shame for a lot of men (myself included) when it comes to grief and, indeed, tears. Why should I be ashamed of my tears? Why should I be afraid to feel?
Cry, wail, tear your clothes, because our world has a really fucked up view of masculinity, and we have inherited it.
But what will we do with it now that it's ours?
13 comments:
Do you think this is limited to tears? Shame and greif certainly cause the most alarm. Thinking about this though, made me realize that emotions in general are frowned upon for the dude set. Giddyness...? Saddness...? Worry...(is that an emotion?) I regularly take care of a little boy who's three and I witness his emotional roller coaster. There is an obvious pressure to restrain himself which makes him even more angry/frustrated/sad and confused. I'm ashamed to say, but I selfishly wish to supress the fits to save myself the struggle of. Are we so ill equiped to respond to the hurt of others that our first response is to hide how we feel?
The Truth and Lies about Tears.
The Lie: Your tears show me that-
You are not prepared,
You are not trustworthy for me to confide in because you're not as strong as I thought,
You don't have it all together,
You're overly sensistive, and thus, unrealistic,
You don't understand what appropriate behavior is, and thus, I am embarrassed by you,
You must not trust God if you're so upset, after all God is in control, quit crying,
You haven't looked at the issue from both sides, otherwise you'd understand why this happenned and you'd stop being so upset,
You don't have enough faith,
You are small, weak and unworthy of love.
The Truth: Your tears show me that:
You have a heart made by a God who weeps over Jerusalem and longs for his children,
You have lived on earth and suffered for it,
You are tender
You are strong
You are movable,
You are awake,
You are listening,
You are hoping for more glory than you have yet experienced,
You have been touched,
You are whole, not compartmentalized.
Tears show More of you who Are, and less of what you've been required to be.
K.I.M.-
Very insightful comment about the three year old boy. Crazy how quickly he knows what is expected of him. Also very enjoyable use of "dude set". It brought joy to my heart.
Kj-
More of who you are and less of what you've been required to be. What a great way of articulating that. Also, it should be said that your listmaking skills are unparalleled.
Welcome to both of you to WitBrev, and nice to meet you, Kim. I feel like you lend bi-coastal legitimacy to this blog. Thanks for that.
I'm simultaneously deeply appreciative of new female voices here and also wondering where the male voices are in this thread (shaming tone unintended)(okay, it was sort of intended).
This reminds me of the Kleenex commercial with the lady sitting on the couch talking about a storm that ruined her life. And then she says something to the effect of, "But i still cry. Because my tears do not compromise my strength."
On another note, what's the diff between crying in front of people vs crying by yourself.
Is there much of a difference? Is it necessary to cry in front of others?
Are there times we want to cry, but it's better that we hold back?
Matt
There are tears of self contempt and self hatred, and tears can also be based in others centered contempt. These examples are why I'm not defending the act of crying itself. I'm defending grief and sorrow, which will both involve tears, but those are not tears of weakness, those are tears that can be confidently cried in strength.
That being said, I think if you want to cry, you should, even if they are full of contempt. But you should recognize the contempt in your tears as well, and grieve that too.
What do you think? I'm no expert on grief, I've only been recently convinced that this is something that I should value in my life. There are sad times in this life, and there is much to be grieved, and if I haven't cried for other people in awhile I'm probably out of touch, and if I haven't cried for myself in awhile then I'm probably kidding myself.
What do you want to do? Are my words comforting or terrifying? They definitely scare me a bit. More than anything, I just think that this is a conversation that should be had. I think of hard times that I have been through, and there were really only a few people that I felt like I could share it with. And doesn't it feel good to share it? So how can I be there for others in their grief in a way that isn't pity?
I don't need to "just get over it", sometimes I need to stay there. If it's true that there is "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" (Ecclesiastes 3:4), why do we run from times of weeping? Isn't there something wrong/unhealthy/dishonest about that?
Can you explain more about tears of self-contempt and hatred?
Can you? I don't know that I can.
It seems like there are weak tears, helpless tears, and of course tears that come from strength and honesty, tears that stay and mourn. Perhaps weak tears don't involve self contempt.
What are your thoughts on the interplay between tears, strength, helplessness and self contempt?
hmmm
Tears of strength come from moments of facing something- a bravery to look at what has been unfaceable- and its often a moment of holding onto yourself instead of being subject to someone else- or how others have treated you. tears of strength speak to me of facing truth and being broken (and thus strengthened) by it.
tears of helplessness happen in moments of relief, either "I just can't do it alone" or "i see that i don't have to do it alone". there's a humility and quiet place that leaves space for not knowing what to do- i would call this a place of good foolishness- floating without foundation in such a way that you don't or can't "figure out" how to handle what you're feeling or facing. It's a scary place- but stuff grows in this place. but it's hard to get to this place if you've been trained well how to be "strong"
i'm not sure about self contempt and tears. I guess i would flip it around (and maybe this is what you meant) that sometimes when we are moved to tears, we feel shame or self-contempt for it- and it ends up being a way out of the tearfull emotion because we spend the whole "crying" time thinking "this is so dumb that i'm crying' or "why am i being so overly dramatic or sensitive" or "everyone must think i'm crazy" or simply "why can't i stop crying? i want to stop crying!" and being mad when your emotions overtake you. that is contempt within tears that i have known.
but i don't think i've ever cried because of self-contempt. ironically, its our self-contmept that we probably most need to mourn before we can actually start grieving our hurts.
Yes.
Mostly.
I think there is more. Maybe I've got it now. Shame can make us cry, but are these tears good? These tears say that I am a worthless failure who will amount to a big load of crap, among other self-contemptuous things. Those tears are not strong. They accept rather than grieve the shame that has been received. They should still probably be cried though, if that's where you are, but if these tears are allowed to have the final word then evil has won. Those tears are lies.
Thoughts?
Wow, you're totally talking tears of futility here, and honestly, I think its something I'm unfamiliar with. I think it's different than tears when your hopes are destroyed or interrupted. (that I know). So I wonder if this is a place where (more or less) guys and girls might differ.
Or maybe its just me. I don't know if accepting shame could ever move me to tears. Part of me thinks that in those moments, I wouldn't/don't feel worthy to cry on my own behalf. I think for me, that shame and futility harden me- there would be no space for tears.
So "tears of acceptance" seem unfamiliar to me. In fact, if I could cry at those moments of futility, it would probably be a good thing, instead of just going kind of dead inside.
What about tears that say, "I give up and I accept the shame"? Can you relate to that? Or do you think that this might be something that men have more of a proclivity for?
I feel like there can be tears that come from weakness. But in our culture it seems more important to emphasize that tears can be incredibly strong (particularly in grief and mourning), and sometimes the weakest thing you can do is hold them in. Thoughts? Comments?
Re: "What about tears that say, "I give up and I accept the shame"? "
It's not a place I think I know personally, and I don't know that its a woman/man issue, but if I try to think of an example (cuz I can;t locate them in myself) I think of Officer Jim in Magnolia when he's lost his gun, crying in shame and needing help "Pleae God, help me find it." That moment is about fear, shame and helplessness. Has he given up? Possibly. But then when he tells Claudia of the shame he's sitting in, he is near tears over that shame- but also strong in being able to admit the shame he's feeling = vulnerability.
So I guess I still haven't found an example of tears that come from weakness. They must exist- you seem to know that they do- I just don't know what that would look like or feel like. Tears still seem to me to be about opening up something, not shutting down or giving up. ?
I honestly can't think of a good example either. Anyone else?
I think tears are merely affect, and so they can show us a great deal about what is going on inside a person, but I don't know that we can make a general rule about them. Does a certain type of smile always mean the same thing on every person? In a similar way I think tears can mean different things for different people in different circumstances.
All that to say I don't know that it is tears that are the point. We need to grieve. There has been great tragedy in our stories, both individually and collectively, and we need to grieve that and not cover it. We need to stay for a time, and continue to return, to that grief over and over. Tears may very well be a part of that process, but we don't need tears for the sake of tears. We need grief for the sake of that which deserves at least grief.
I have been touched by tragedies, and they have shaped who I am. But is there hope for something more in my life, or am I going to be this same person for another half century or so before I die, no more mature than I am right now?
I will contend that my ability to grieve will largely determine if the end of my story is a happy one or a sad one.
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